AHHH, I'm burninggg!

2010-03-15T20:58:00.003+08:00

TODAY, I BLOG. HAHAHAHAHA.

Instructions:

You click the damned picture and it enlarges. Then you be amazed.

Fuck it doesn't enlarge. http://i457.photobucket.com/albums/qq294/ZayneOMG/YY.jpg

2010-02-14T00:20:00.002+08:00

Hello. I am fucked up. And I am unhappy. And please do not tag "cheer up" "relax" or anything to try and cheer me up. Because I won't. I'm not being harsh. I'm stating facts. And please don't tell me your life is worse than mine. Because it isn't. Should anyone tell me otherwise, I swear by my own name, I will. End my life.

2010-02-08T00:03:00.002+08:00

I understand that it is important for me to study, however, I also think that you should believe me when I say that D&T isn't easy. Sure... I did my work in like, 5 minutes during Lower Secondary and Secondary 3, why? Because they were so much easier and we didn't really have theory. We had more practical. So we worked more than we wrote.

This year's different. This year I have to come up with designs, come up with ideas. Come up with a whole bunch of shit, just to satisfy the hunger of the N's. Do you understand that I have to meet up with a lot of standards in order to submit ONE idea? I only have one. Maybe 2. The rest? Rejected. Reject reject reject. I understand that you think D&T is easy. But here's my thought: Fuck you, because it isn't and fuck you, because I'm not smart and I don't have a brain powered to generate ideas and write analysis(es) at the speed of light.

And I'm not faking like your dear son for fucking sake. I think I have food poisoning. And if puking isn't proof, I think you should go fuck yourself.

2010-01-30T01:07:00.002+08:00

I hate you. You. You. You. Your entire group of friends. Your attitude. You. You. And you. I hope you all fall and die. Because you should know who the fucking fuck yourselves are.

2010-01-18T20:35:00.001+08:00

School sucks and I am sick. FML. Kthxbai. [UPDATED]

2010-01-12T20:24:00.000+08:00

Vandalised by Melrize.

2010-01-03T23:14:00.000+08:00

Hello world. I fucked up big time. Again. :)

2010-01-01T23:07:00.002+08:00

So, first of all, Happy New Year. It's 2010 so let's all hope it isn't as shitty as last year. School's reopening in a few days, to shorten it, I'm not ready. My homework isn't done and I didn't do what I promised myself - to read my secondary 4 textbooks to familliarize the topics.

I actually forgot I was posting this, and switched my laptop to hibernation mode. How smart. I just woke up after a... 30-mins-sleep. Lovely.

And I just camwhored with my dog. Posting on Facebook. Woot. Kay bye.

2010-01-01T01:23:00.001+08:00

Hai happy new yerar I'm at my mudder's house kk baibai.

2009-12-30T20:55:00.002+08:00

I don't know who to trust, I don't know what to do. Suddenly, just all of a sudden, so many problems arise. And I'm easily pissed. I'm disturbed by what's happening. I'm angry at people. I'm sad at all the different situations. I don't know if I should be angry, I don't know if I should be sad.

Maybe, just maybe, there should be a permanent break from reality and fantasy, and maybe I should apply for leave from reality, because it isn't fun, and it never was. I need sleep, I need my normal life back. I need to go back, and let things stay as they were. I need to go back and make sure I never come back out to earth.

I can't take everything at one go. I can't. I don't have 1, I don't have 2 problems. I have more than you can ever count. And I think I'm troublesome the way I am. I mess up way too often.

One thing's that, I don't like bitches breaking my friend's hearts, especially someone I regard to as brother. Fuck you bitch.

I hate me, I hate you, you, you and you.

Fuck everything as it is now.

2009-12-28T23:42:00.002+08:00

I hate life. Really badly.

Hate 2007. Hate 2008 the most. Hate 2009. Will hate 2010. Hate's a strong word. But it fits.

I don't know what to do, next year, next week will be secondary 4's life. My school life is messed. My life is messed. My familiy is messed. And nobody understands because I don't bother to explain - not that they'd understand if I explained.

I can't and won't explain. I'm disturbed. I don't wanna live. I wanna drown out everything, because I'm not happy and not everything is easy to solve. I haven't been happy. I've been thinking too much. I need a break.

Fuck. Life. And. Fuck. Everything.

2009-12-27T15:52:00.002+08:00

Okay. So I spent the 24th at Emzy's. I spent the 25th at Mudder's. It was fun. Played Jenga with wasabi. I hate wasabi. I hate hate hate wasabi. Played Monopoly. Watched My Sister's Keeper. (Say Sister's Keeper 10 times really fast.) Didn't sleep the entire night. I learnt a few things. That Valerie laughs to herself, talks to herself and likes to take a lot, A LOT of pictures. Truth or Dare was... 3/4 retarded.

Olivia and Grace went homezx. Me and Val stayed. And we disturbed Mudder. In the morning. Like 5am, 6am. (Y).

"Melrize. Melrize. Melrize. Oi Melrize."
"Huh."
"How many times we call you?"
"2."

LOL. We taupok-ed Valerie. After a long long long time. Because she was... annoying(?) Because she keep laughing to herself. Scary.

Moar sleepoverz pl0x. I want. I like. (To disturb people early in teh wee hours.)

2009-12-25T04:52:00.003+08:00

Hi. I'm at Emzy's. I'm really bored. It's 5 am. Don't think I'll be sleeping anytime soon.

Mayday Parade's sad as ever.

"Give me any reason to believe cuz I'm done here."

I am a sad human. Going over to Melrize's soooooon. Like in a few hours. Like at 1. Or 2.

I still like you, just that I won't tell you.

2009-12-23T22:08:00.002+08:00

Change is constant. But be it for the good, for the bad, that is up to the person.

I didn't change for the better. I changed for the worse. I regret, everything I did. I regret, all the wrongs I did. I regret, if ever, I lost it. I regret knowing you, you and you. Sound like a spoilt brat, but I'm not more spoilt than you.

The dark claimants of pretence would only mislead and misguide you. I'm unable to word my feelings out.

Fuck it all. Bye.

2009-12-23T01:22:00.002+08:00

Resemble that of the outlook of a zombie. Tired and sunburnt.

"You need to let go, of letting go,
You're of shit, you're born to quit."

2009-12-21T23:35:00.001+08:00

You can't tell, you won't tell. And if you could, it'll probably be the end of me. I feel miserable.

2009-12-21T01:42:00.002+08:00

I don't know what's happening to me. Primary school gathering in about 10 hours? Or 9?

I don't know what's going on. I don't know how to face reality, because everytime it hits me harder. I need a break from life. I need a break from reality. If only for a day would whatever I imagine come true. If only for one day, would I truly be happy.

Anyway.

Sleepover at Em'z was... good until 5 am. Why? I got called home. Why? For a stupid wallpaper. But it's okay. I love my friends. Pandanzui ftw! We'll all gather again when Ash's back in SG. :)

I am tired.

My dad bought me an iTouch. I'm... happy. I guess.

2009-12-15T02:19:00.003+08:00

I don't know what, actually, is my mood at the moment. It's mixed. But one thing's for sure, I'm still afraid. I don't want it to happen again. Training later. At 6pm. Haha.

I love The Used. I love Senses Fail. And those are about the only bands I stay true to.

I don't know what is 'happy',
I don't know what is 'sad',
I wish I forgot all this,
I wish I forgot how to feel.
All within a day.

"You could be empty,
I could be right here empty with you,
Or you could be hollow,
And I could be right here hollow with you,
If you wanna say goodbye to everything you could say goodbye to,
I could be right here empty with you."

If I died and I had a funeral, you'd be the last person I'd expect, or the first to leave.

2009-12-14T01:45:00.002+08:00

It's 1.46am. I hate year ends. Happy belated birthday to Amy, :).

"It's been some time,
Since some one asked me to light up her heart."

I'm not happy. I'm never happy. It's not enough. It's never enough. I'm not good. I'm never good. I think I won't be able to sleep. I don't think you care. I don't think you'll ever care. I didn't have a nice childhood. I won't have a nice teenage life. I won't enjoy my adult life.

"It should be alright,
For long it has been,
The last time I saw,
That smile."

I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I've been thinking. And I keep thinking. I wish I stopped thinking. I wish I was braindead. I wish I never had to feel. I wish I never was borned. I wish I never had to do anything. I wish I wasn't anything.

"Your lips are shaking goodbye."

"Things you said,
Burns no more,
But I know that's worst than before."

"Teach me, how to forget how to feel."

I'm not anything. I wasn't anything. I won't be anything. Back to reality.

2009-12-10T03:53:00.001+08:00

It's only painful when I go back to reality.

Ahma's birthday on Friday. Yet to get her present. I'm in deepshit. -.-.

2009-12-09T02:59:00.001+08:00

Went rollerblading with mudder and Feli ah, learnt it, but can't stop. So I fell on my butt. 3 times. Mudder laughed. 3 times. Tsk.

~~I wanna kill myself because I keep rereading the notes you gave.~~

2009-12-05T02:24:00.003+08:00

Hello world. Today I went for the class BBQ. Stuff happened, good and bad. :D I love Mudder and Aunt Lili. They did stuff, made me laugh like mad.

HAHA. Like, running towards me screaming because there was a beetle(?) And 'headbanging' because the beetle flew towards her, or landed on her head and dancing cuz they wanna take pictures. HAHAHAHA.

HELLO FELICITY, I LOVE YOU AS MY ZEH IN LAW. WELCOME BACK TO SINGAPORE AND HOPE YOU DON'T/WON'T TOUCH ANY DAIRY PRODUCTS IN THE MIDST OF YOUR MEDICATION, GET WELL SOON AND THANKS FOR TEH CAPCAPCAP <3

Oh, Taeyang's my idol.

2009-12-03T23:53:00.002+08:00

Call me stupid, tell me I'm wasting my time, but I've decided to buy _ for _.

"Baby, jebal geuui soneul japjima,
Cuz you should be my lady,
Oraen sigan gidaryeo on nal, dorabwajwo,

Noraega ullimyeon ije neonuen,
Geuwa pyeongsaengeul hamkkehajyo,
Oneuri oji ankireul,
Geureoke na maeil bam gidohaenneunde,

Nega ibeun wedingdeureseu,
Nega ibeun wedingdeureseu,
Nega ibeun wedingdeureseu."

2009-12-02T20:51:00.002+08:00

I'm back. (From Malaysia, which was hella boring.)

I'm not gonna have any MuayThai classes until January. That's very long, and I have a lot of compressed anger. I'm a tiny person, which means it won't be long until I randomly explode -some day. Best of luck to whoever gets it. :D

On a side note, I hate listening to sad songs, but they're all I have.

HAI DEARDEAR I MISSED YOU TOO. THANKS FOR YOUR MISC. SPAMS. ♥

And she makes her dramatic arrival.

2009-12-01T23:12:00.003+08:00

HAI RAYRAY'S BLOG READERS.
OUR BELOVED RAYRAY IS AWAY AT MALAYSIA FOR HER GRAND UNCLE'S(!?) SONGKA AND WILL BE BACK ON WED.

REIREI MISSES HER ALREADY :'(

2009-11-29T22:27:00.003+08:00

Hai, I r bored to the max. So I'm going to update. I watched Happy Flight with Vickki and her family the other day. I love her parents. LOL. Happy Flight was okay, funny though. 3/5 stars.

Melrize and Valerie came today. Melrize gave me a hat. I like.

I look like Tony Tony Chopper from One Piece. :B

2009-11-26T18:38:00.000+08:00

Somebody kill me. Please.

2009-11-26T15:44:00.002+08:00

Now that it's come to this state, I don't know what to do. I don't know if there'd be anymore resistance. I am pathetic.

2009-11-23T00:37:00.006+08:00

"If you don't like, what I say, put it in your blog, I promise no one really gives a fuck!"

Had enough. Fuck off. Please. I said please. I've had it up to here, the very tip of my head, with this entire world. With you. And with myself. Fuck it.

Fuck everyone that doesn't understand. Fuck everyone who takes my problems as a fucking joke. Really, fuck all of you.

There's no need to feel bad or feel sorry I feel fucked up. I've been like that for 15 years.

Bye

2009-11-21T20:13:00.003+08:00

Soon, everyone will be overseas. Wanted to go Thailand with Germ Sr, but failed. Really tired of life in Singapore. Really need to escape. I wanna die that badly.

I'm more tired of life than anyone else 15.

I haven't done anything productive in my entire 15 years.
I won't be doing anything productive and/or good for the rest of my life.
I haven't been a good kid.
I haven't been a good friend.
I haven't been anything good.
I haven't been praying.
I haven't been telling anyone anything.
I'm not the same anymore.
I want to relinquish this ardour.

I'm tired physically. Tired mentally. Tired spiritually. Tired everything-ly.

And no one understand because I no longer am bothered to tell anything to anyone.

"Keep it all inside, all inside."

2009-11-17T00:47:00.000+08:00

Hai I'm not chim, neither is this post sanguine in anyway possible. :D

Do you know what you are? You, ma’am, are a fucking charlatan, hired to acquit yourself to even the most convoluted and disconcerting scenes. I’ve been having this accruing bête-noir, this aversion for you. Count yourself lucky, because I would’ve trounced you perilously. Just mind your Ps and Qs, and stay cautious. Because if I catch sight of you, you will become obsolete -- not that you were even versatile or dexterous in the first place. Go and fucking die. Don’t bother to prose another correspondence to me, to anyone you were referring to, because all of it is in vain.

You are, honestly, a very daft, obtuse, imprudent, ludicrous person. You are at the top of revulsion, your conduct, your standpoint is revolting. Just thought you’d want to know what I thought of you, now. In the present. :D Hope you enjoyed your time of fumbling with all my ‘chim’ words you fail to be au fait with, kthxbai.

2009-11-16T15:30:00.001+08:00

We love you Ray2!

2009-11-16T00:21:00.002+08:00

Whether or not was it vis-à-vis about me, I've grown weary, I've grown hackneyed. I've been avoiding interaction for many many days. I've been sick. Down. I've been sitting through squabbles, bickers, disputes my kins have been having the entire week. You're not the only who's going through different breakdowns, discords, dissonances, cacophonies. The end. Anything else to cock about, please, don't hesitate to text/call me.

2009-11-14T21:58:00.002+08:00

Isolation at best. Results in astringent behaviours. Results in being doleful. Results in everything turning bleak. Everything becomes forlorn, everything becomes bleak.

It's been some time since anyone said I was useful, some time since anyone understood me. If I were a book every chapter would read the same. I can't reinstate who I used to be, and it sickens me. It's November and it's cold. Days go by, and I depreciate.

"Save your heart,
For someone who leaves you breathless,
And I know that you're scared"

"All along, you said you knew this was wrong,
But still worth dying for,
And you give, and you take,
And it's love that you want,
But not love that you make."

2009-11-11T11:01:00.002+08:00

Last night was above average. Me, Reimi, Yanyuan and Feli was on a convo in MSN, talking to each other, getting high. MSN convos moved on to phone convos.

Feli, Reimi and me were on the phone, Yanyuan couldn't call in. (Insert bigass sad face). We chatted, and SOMEONE fell asleep. Tsk. Anyway, continued chatting until about 3... 4? Then we all went to sleep. Except SOMEONE, slept like, damned early.

This morning was shit. I don't like my dad. :D Lots of shit. Lazy to type.

2009-11-09T22:06:00.001+08:00

Hai today I went to Bugis. With Reirei, AhEn and Feli. My feet hurt. Feli is forgetful and blind. Reirei is... "Define door?" "Men (door in chinese)"

I didn't buy anything (insert supahdupahmegahugesadsmily here) Tsk.

Arcade tomorrow kthxbai.

2009-11-07T21:21:00.004+08:00

I am tired of life, suddenly. I am cold, I am freezing. I am not of importance.

I'm that close to dilapidation, that close to decrepitude. Tomorrow is my mom's birthday, and I feel useless. Tomorrow is Sunday, and I really don't feel like moving. December is coming. I don't like December, because November's hard enough, December's going to get harder.

I'm a mistake. I'm everything everyone would hate to be. I'm the self proclaimed already-smashed-to-smithereens. I should be annihilated, eradicated, obliterated.

I shouldn't be alive. I feel anaesthetized every other day. I want to be sedated, I don't wanna wake up. I want to be dead. I don't wanna live. If I'm not up to standards, then there isn't a reason why I should be living and alive.

Fuck life and my entire existence.

2009-11-06T13:53:00.002+08:00

I need to relax, I need to shut up, I need to kill. I need to smile. Need. To. Start. Smiling more. A genuine one.

Fuck the world.

2009-11-04T22:55:00.002+08:00

All you ever do is snivel and whinge. The way you snivel is as such to grovel up to insignificant characters having absolutely zilch business. Could you elucidate the way why you have to engage such unnecessary kerfuffles and upheavals? To detonate even one of the most forbearing minds?

I find you a rather interesting charlatan in my entire life, so far. Not one, except another particular character, has out-taken you. Maybe your entire existence was bona fide, maybe you don't recieve an adequate amount of attention. Maybe you're just a aspiring charlatan in your cabaret, but however well premeditated your cabaret is, it doesn't escape the eyes of the liberal, the laissez-faire.

Just want you to know, I've shouldered enough, I can't possibly take the brook anymore. I'm thwarted, enough to convince my adjudication passed previously.

2009-11-01T20:59:00.002+08:00

What if one day you found a letter of farewell was tucked nicely under your pillow, just enough for you to see it, written by your beloved? What would you do?

2009-10-30T23:45:00.002+08:00

"And now that you're gone, I'm holding on, and I just can't let go."

Today was crap, went to school and slept. Cleaned up the mother tongue room. Slacked awhile in the room, went back to class and collected report book. My results were shit, like, bull shit. Other than english, the rest was... manipulated piles of non existent particles of mere waste.

I hate school, and I have that for the next 2 weeks. Two weeks, not two days. That's kind of shit. I'm secondary 4 next year, I can only imagine how fucked up life will be after I move up. I hope I don't retain next year. Fuck all the new criterias.

Can't wait for January.

2009-10-29T11:31:00.002+08:00

"Watch angels in the morning become a devil's afternoon. I will panic in the evening underneath the crashing moon.
So fall in love while you can still hold your head up high, and pretend that you're alive again
It's friends that leave you here in the end, so hold you head up high, and pretend that you're alive again."

Makes sense? Yes.

Have been avoiding all kinds of meetings recently. Will be avoiding all. Soon. I need quiet time. I need alone time. I need it because I feel like I'm a stranger somewhere in the busy streets, some one tell me, who am I. My days become less productive. My existence in life becomes questionable.

Why do I keep thinking. I wish I could stop thinking. I wish my brain was a computer. So I can delete everything I dislike. And make no memory of it. No matter how badly it scarred me before. I wish. I was dead.

The best part - I can't do anything about it.

2009-10-27T20:11:00.002+08:00

I can't describe the way I feel now, cuz I can't. And I won't.

Overslept, didn't go to school. Slept all the way to 1pm. Went to slack a while with Meien and co. Went home. Passed Vickki the acrylic paint. Went home. Went online. Wasn't happy, still not happy.

My cousin's not online to cheer me up/make me go high. So, goodbye.

2009-10-26T23:51:00.001+08:00

Rah. I am a dinosaur.

2009-10-25T23:24:00.002+08:00

HAPPY F15TEEN BURFDAY TO THAT PERSON ABOVE.

Lao Wee! Okay, you're old now :3. You're finally 15, when the rest of us are gonna be 16, 17. :D But we have plans for those turning 17, yeah? :D

My birthday wish to you:
I wish that she'll grow taller, smarter (all the usual stuff), and MORE ON TIME. :3

So yeah, I'm 30 mins early, but oh well :D

2009-10-24T00:55:00.002+08:00

Today I woke up at... 12+. Was supposed to meet Mudder and co for breakfast/lunch/dinner at Seoul Garden. So then I washed up and stuff, and went to meet 'em. Mudder and Aunt Lili/Leelee/Ali paid for me, as my belated birthday present, or something.

Cuzzin came to find me :D Slacked at E!Hub till... about 5... I think. Rushed home and prepared for Muaythai.

Muaythai was tiring, well, a bit. Kicked pads (Yay!) Watching spar on the 1st. Cuzzin may be joining Muaythai (O: ).

Ate, went home, bathed, online, then my cuzzin flew to God knows where. -.-.

2009-10-21T21:06:00.003+08:00

I love my cuzzin. She is very cute.

I get high when I talk to her. OKAY I AM BORED KK BAIBAI. I WANT TO JUMP ON A TRAMPOLINE :@

2009-10-21T18:11:00.002+08:00

I'm not happy. Not happy and no one understands me.

Pretending gets old. I hate it. I hate communicating now.

2009-10-20T23:01:00.002+08:00

Today was finally a bittttttttttt constructive. Reported sick after English.

Flunked Geog, Chinese, Math.
Passed English. 3 to 1. Damn it, I'm going to die.

☻

2009-10-20T21:08:00.001+08:00

2009-10-19T22:04:00.001+08:00

I taught Meien and Shiyi how to brush their teeth, most apparantly. -.-. I made that stupid toothpaste by going over that toothbrush 4 times. -.-.

♥

2009-10-19T21:47:00.004+08:00

HAI.
I AM RAYRAY'S CUZZIN REIREI. HERE TO POST MAI BIGASS GUAI LAN FACE :D
KTHXBAI.

2009-10-19T13:17:00.002+08:00

Happy pills don't work. Sleeping pills don't work. None of them work and I'm just lying to the world I'm perfectly fine. I'm getting more and more fucked up. What's become of me will remain and always be.

I'm sick of nobody taking me seriously.
I'm sick of my parents misunderstanding me, the lack of communication is severe.
I'm sick of life.
I'm sick of everything and anything.
I'm sick of communicating with the outside world.
Sick of helping my brother, my parents with stuff.
Sick of complaining to the air about every single shit I have to complain about, just because I can't say it, can't rant it to anyone else.

I feel miserable. I feel very miserable. No one's taking me seriously and that sucks. I really want to end it all. Really.

I'd rather be locked in isolation, rather be shot, rather be hung.

What was me three years, two years, one year ago, is gone. I'm another person. Another fuck up, but a bigger fuck up, and much worse than before. Fuck the world.

2009-10-19T12:30:00.003+08:00

I'm damned bored now. Cuzzin didn't meet up with me again. :@.

D: I am bored, I am dying. I had a weird but somewhat good dream. I liked, loved it. I wish I never woke up from that dream. Kay, bye.

2009-10-18T00:56:00.003+08:00

Today was unproductive, again. I didn't meet my cousin. So, yes, Saturday sucked.

I had major moodswings and I wasn't happy 3/4 of the day, (No wait, I was pretending.). I don't like half the things I had to do today and/or yesterday. I don't like myself a lot. I don't really like being in gigantic groups of associates, whereby half the time I'm stoning and doing absolutely nothing.

I don't really tell anybody anything, so I can't/don't blame them for anything at all. But, I'd gladly appreciate it if whoever and whatever won't/didn't rub it in my face. I have major moodswings for a reason. I don't PMS.

And yes, I'd like to die. Now.

Because there's almost nothing to live for, and almost nothing that understands me. Goodbye.

Ps/ Ask not you to me.

2009-10-17T00:59:00.001+08:00

In about 12 hours, I'll be heading out to meet my cuzzin <3.

I want a matching tattoo with her asap. Really. Muaythai today was okay, minus all the um, cramps/aches.

I saw Vickki on the way to Muaythai O: I poked her, she poked me. She killed me. D:

Kk baibai.

2009-10-15T17:02:00.003+08:00

Bipolar.

I am not happy.

2009-10-13T20:34:00.001+08:00

Today is screwed. To the most maximum point possible.

I should die.

2009-10-13T15:27:00.002+08:00

FUCK THAT STUPID SHIT AND FUCK EVERYTHING MY PARENTS PICK ON.

I'm never good enough. I'm always underappreciated. I'm always the point of blame. I am not perfect. I'm everything you people never wanted. I'm everything a hell hole would expect. I'm not talented. I have no talent. I'm a pile of human waste, I'm not good in anything. I'll never top anything and I'll never be good enough, no matter what I do, no matter what I say.

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.

Why not abort me in the first place huh? :), understand me, my ass.

2009-10-09T00:17:00.002+08:00

Today. I went to study. Okay, not really.

So there was this guy. He ressembled all that was a perverted middle aged person, who probably wants to become a photographer, but fails. Whichever being the case.

I am also not very happy. But I am happy that next week, I'll get _____. Again. I'm also happy that I got kicked out of NCC. I'm happy that there's muay thai tomorrow. I'm happy that during the holidays I'm gonna slack with my cuzzin. I'm happy that Mother's turning 18 soon, (5 more days, HAPPY ADVANCED BIRTHDAY :D) However. I have, of course, a million dozen other things piling on top of my happiness. Therefore, I am, unhappy.

I pretend. And pretend. It's normal, though.

2009-10-04T23:43:00.002+08:00

Maybe I'm overly sensitive. I should be numb.

"But I don't know the way out of this mess,
No, I don't know the way out of this mess,
And if you were to see me at my best,
Would it have changed anything at all?

Remember when?
Remember when times were better, times were better than this..."

I am, one mess this world needs to get rid of.

2009-10-03T00:54:00.000+08:00

That. Is. Fun. Muay Thai was fun. Because we were all retarded. LOLOLOLOL. Kk bai.

2009-10-01T00:09:00.002+08:00

I changed. You changed.
I changed drastically. You changed drastically.
I'm almost anti social. You're the direct opposite.

I've hit rock bottom. I admire all the happy people. I admire them. I'm envious that they have parents that care. I wish I could pray. But I can't because I.. get distracted. And the urge to want to kill myself is... big. Maybe next time I'll ask nicer, because I really have nothing to believe in at the moment.

When your parents are the ones walking out on you. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to do everything. Everything and anything to end this. To end everything.

I want to go back to August 13th, 1994. To make the operation go wrong. I want to go further back. Convince my parents to abort me. I won't bother about 2005. 2006. 2007. 2008. 2009. So on. So forth.

One thousand and four. One thousand and four days.

Dear God. I'm asking nicely for you to kill me. Please. Thanks. Amen. :).

2009-09-30T19:26:00.002+08:00

Caution: Rant. Do not read. Cuz nobody cares, so save your eyeballs.

"Sometimes I wonder, why I'm still waiting,
Sometimes I'm shaking, but that's how you make me,
Sometimes I question, why I'm still here." - Something.

I think I'm stupid. Like really. I hate it when people reprimand me, especially if I didn't really do anything wrong. I feel like, crap. I hate it when I can't catch up on work in school. It doesn't make a difference because either way everyone looks down on me. There isn't a difference, again, mainly because nobody thinks I'm up to it, because I suck, because I'm this, that, everything but good enough. Not even to touch the margin that breaks me off from the nobody(s) to the somebody(s).

"When I make you angry, you're stuck in the past."

Next up is that, I hate it when my parents don't know what kind of shit I'm going through, and they just claim as it is. It's always me. Me, me, me, me. They give all sorts of crap to tell me I'm okay, I'm this, that. Tell me I'm just gonna lose it all out to the world because I'm a absolute nobody. Why? Because they say so. And because they say so, I no longer make effort to do anything, not even bothering with the slightest bit. How much alike are they to me? They haven't gone through any abuse, that I'm sure. They haven't got shit from their teachers, because during their time, the teachers had no 'yellow forms' to give out when they did something wrong. Fuck the world.

Don't I mean a thing to my parents? Don't I mean a thing to anybody? I stopped complaining to my parents, because they wouldn't even raise concern, because there is no need, for I am a useless child. I stopped long ago. Because there isn't any difference. I stopped complaining to my friends what happened at home, bla, because it made no difference as well. I mean nothing to nobody, I know that because I am that.

I can't cry it out.
I can't scream it out.
I can't let it all bleed out.
I can't say it out.
I can't do anything about this. I think I'm really pathetic.

I'll just see how long I have till I explode.

2009-09-29T22:45:00.002+08:00

I had a nightmare. I pissed you off somehow, you left and you never talked to me ever again.

2009-09-29T10:27:00.002+08:00

I miss times when I was younger. I could do whatever I want, and not care because I wasn't as fragile as fuck.

I had shit for a childhood.
Shit when I was growing.
Still getting shit when I'm a teenager.
Probably getting worse when I get older.
Get shit before I die.
And some shit after I die.

Screw life.

~~Most importantly, I miss the you who actually cared.~~
Bye.

2009-09-28T19:39:00.002+08:00

Once upon a time. There was this kid. He wasn't who they exactly knew him as. He wasn't good in anything that possibly helped him in anyway. He wasn't the best in the arts of the language, so he couldn't really say anything beautifully. He met this friend. This friend wasn't who it was. It was an alien from somewhere else. Somewhere faraway. It promised him it'd stay forever, and become his best friend, since he didn't have any friends on earth.

One fine day. It went away. It never said or mentioned why. The kid became a broken man. The end.

2009-09-28T18:56:00.003+08:00

If I keep waiting. If I keep waiting, will things turn out positively? Will things turn repulsive and regrets fill me, even further more?

"Cause you're gonna hate me for this..."

I am that naive. But it isn't easy, not that one bit. Yeah, I wish I could forget everything I hated. Wish I had the power to rewind. Wish I had the power to do anything I wanted. Isn't patience a key to doors, leading to success? But if I keep waiting, am I not an idiot? If I could buy time. If I could forget. If I could forge a thinking leading my mind somewhere else, somewhere not here, faraway.

Where is the innocence. Have they all flown away? At night, I can't sleep. In the morning I keep thinking about the world, me, my family, you, my friends. I would very much, love, to suck out all the life inside me, and become a zombie who won't think.

I would write a book of songs,
To tell you how I felt,
But then again, I would burn it up,
Because you had someone else.

Good bye.

2009-09-27T19:41:00.002+08:00

Why why why why why why why why.

Why the fuck am I becoming so inert to things that once ever interested me. Unable to flout you, you're like a deep mutilation. You're stuck there.

Fuck everything. Fuck school. Fuck life. Fml.

2009-09-25T23:21:00.002+08:00

I think its back. But I hope it kills this time. Really.

My cranium hurts. I feel inept, I wanna die. Nothing in this word is bona fide. Facade. I really want to leave this earth. I really want to end it all. A nonentity.

"Broken and empty, but you don't care." - Rescue.

Heart's in a rupture, I think my head's in a fissure fit. There's a strong enstrangement between the heart and the brain. That sucks.

I think its one of the worst things ever to ever feel zeal, vehemence and/or fervour for you. And I also think, its one of the best. Kill me. Somebody. Kill me, sarcoma.

Bye.

2009-09-23T17:58:00.003+08:00

As much as I'd loved to forget everything and start over.

Today was a waste of time. So I woke up with a swollen right eye, I just looked like as if some random overjoyed or rather furious creature knocked me in the eye. Be it on purpose or by accident. So naturally I told my mom I would want to sit my butt at home. To sleep instead of heading to school, because as predicted, nothing interesting or educational happened. Unless you would count in the endless rambles and imitations of Achmed, my new found dead twin. And yep, she didn't allow and added in a few screams. Maybe she was a siren in her past life.

I skipped Design and Tech. There wouldn't be a point in participating in the almost deserted educational period when my group mates are not around, and that 3/4 or half the class abandoned the lesson. I reckon tomorrow would bring trouble. Well... Yeah.

I headed home, to sleep. Because if I don't catch up on sleep, I think my alertness will catch up on me. I'm glad during Mathematics, because there was a test, so I finished it, and slept.

How productive.

I hate people waking me up from sleep. Especially if I'm dead tired and I specifically said, "leave me alone."

Productive things done today:
Imitate Achmed.

2009-09-23T00:34:00.002+08:00

A bit stupid how I find myself still so enstranged in you.

Tell me, please, why do you seem so immaculate, so God-carved that I no longer find a fault whenever someone asks, or violently protest against if ever a comment raised.

Is there a reason why I keep myself occupied and pretend that life goes on as per normal, giving me energy to try and forget everything that forges a fake bond that drives me wild, so much so it actually brings me into a train of thoughts that linger me and you together.

This is a joke.

I wanna get permanently scarred so I wouldn't bother caring about the next inprominent thing that happens.

Pseudosuicide.

2009-09-17T00:01:00.002+08:00

IT IS NOW THE SEVENTEENTH OF SEPTEMBER. So...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO A... (human) DUCK NAMED VICKKI. O:

You're fifteen. :D I'm not old anymore. Because you're also old. :D Stay happy. Grow taller. (LOL) Hmm... Uh. Yep, kk bai :D

2009-09-15T21:52:00.001+08:00

School sucked.
Monday and Tuesday, I got caught for piercings. -.-. Is it a crime to having piercings in school? Dammit.

I WANT FRIDAY. NOWWWW. ._.

Kay bye.

2009-09-12T20:31:00.001+08:00

I'm gonna just leave thumbnails.
1. Melrize hates me. A lot.

2. I want icecream. But I can't.
3. Fuck the world.

The end. -.-. I like muaythai. Kk bai.

2009-09-10T00:30:00.002+08:00

I woke up at about 12 plus. Went to Melrize's at about 2+. Taught her um. Crazier by Taylor Swift. She changed her guitar string. Just one, the... D string. LOL. I ate... Hazelnut Milk tea for today. :D. Uhhh... That's all. Oh, I taught Melanie too. :D

~~I miss ___.~~
I like(?) ___.
I love(?) ___.
I am... confused, lost and I should just die.

C'est bon ou mauvais si je vous aime?

2009-09-09T00:39:00.000+08:00

It tells all. Belated though. Got it pierced not long ago, less than a week.

2009-09-07T23:24:00.005+08:00

I have nothing much to say. Today went to see the doc. Didn't really have much of an appetite either.

I ate:
Milo. A bit of prata. A few pieces of fries. Milk tea. The end.

Met up with the usual at downtown/ehub. We split into two, one eating near the swimming pool. The other at McDonalds. So I followed those who went to Mc. Got sorta forced to eat the fries. Slacked awhile, Valerie went home first. We then headed to Wee's house to watch some... weird drama, until about 8. Then Melrize headed home. She was happy. Haha. Then En, Wee and me headed to central because En wanted to buy her slippers/shoes, whichever. She's headed off to Genting tomorrow. Hah.

That's about all. =/.

You can tell him that I'm waiting
You can tell him that I'm not coming home
It's been a couple weeks debating
And I'm still not sure if she really knows
Fight off your urges to tell her how you feel
It can only cause you problems tonight
Hold tight till you leave, then decide
Whether the timing was wrong, or was it right?

2009-09-06T18:51:00.004+08:00

Heading out in awhile's time. Have to wake up early tomorrow again. Sigh.

Hungry* makes me smile. I look stupid smiling to myself.

Anyway, don't keep everything to yourself. Don't fill your bottle up to the brim. Don't explode. =/ Please. Cheer up. :D.. (?)

*Hungry is my birthday present. :D I named him Hungry. LOL.

La latence me tue; me fait mal plus qu'il vous fait.

[edit]
I'm back. I am... nevermind. Not updating. Bye.[/edit]

2009-09-05T16:45:00.002+08:00

Nah, I'm not happy.

They up-ed my dosage. I don't feel happy. I look outside. I feel like jumping. I look at everyone else. I want to kill. I look at knives. I want to stab. I see my brother. I want to murder.

I don't tell the psychiatrist everything. I don't tell anyone everything. They're all scattered, person by person. Go fit the puzzle yourself.

I'm not me anymore.

"I wish I could be, somebody else,
I wish I could see, you in myself
Wish there was something inside me,
To keep you beside me and
Say what you really feel,
You know I need something that's real,
I wish there was something inside me,
To keep you beside me,"

Should've told you everything.

2009-09-03T22:35:00.001+08:00

I just changed my blogskin. Me like. Me still sad me think. Kk baibai.

Peut-être je vraiment dois aller, pour vous pour être heureux.

2009-09-03T19:55:00.000+08:00

i am sad. kk baibai.

2009-09-02T22:06:00.003+08:00

I'm waiting for Friday.
Because I am angry (with maybe a slight tinge of sadness and... bla. -.-) Whichever being the case, I shall be able to release the anger all on Friday.

I hate today. Mainly because I sat in class being pissed at ___ because of ___.

I hate going to the doctors. Because. I hate it. I never liked it. And you're not me. So you don't fucking understand what's it like. Therefore you PRESUME it's fun. You think its fun? No. It isn't.

I hate every other fuck that happens to me. Because I feel like crying but I can't. You're not the biggest boss here. I'm not your employee/your dog. Whichever being the case, fuck you.

Je crois que je serai en permanence marqué, parce que je passe par la merde.

Je vous mendie, me tue. C'est mon désir d'anniversaire. Votre anniversaire vient, vous allez être quinze. J'espère que vous menez votre vie au fullest, pas font n'importe quoi de stupide de ne vous marquer plus. J'espère que vous faites d'autres choses à libérer votre tristesse, votre colère, votre quels que soit. Je serai là si vous avez jamais besoin de moi. Mais je suis désolé, je ne vous dirai pas mes problèmes. Parce que vous avez déjà votre propre. Je vous aime.

2009-08-29T14:26:00.002+08:00

I wanna go back. Because ignorance is bliss.

Quelques mois d'intimité. Quelques mois d'unité. Quelques mois d'ignorance. Quelques mois de solitude. Quelques mois de dépression. Quelques mois à mort.

Haha.

2009-08-27T23:37:00.002+08:00

I need to drown, numb and kill myself. Sometime, anytime soon. Please.

Can I revert back to when I never was born. So I don't have to go through this shit. Parce que j'ai relu chaque note, chaque lettre que vous donniez jamais.

I'm trying to smile, trying to distract myself. Trying everything but it all ends in vain. Haha.

2009-08-25T23:11:00.003+08:00

"Go ahead and burn it down,
I'm drunk and so is everyone else..."

I am half happy half sad. Mostly sad because I don't know and don't wanna reveal why.

I am happy because so far I recieved about 4 prezzies. Lawl. A cap, geek specs, a keychain w/ a card ;D and.. pads. -.-.

~~Je me suis juste assis par de la demi-heure de conversation, qui me fait mal. Quand je could've a inventé une excuse et est parti. Je vous aime, ne faites s'il vous plaît rien de stupide.~~ ~~Je souhaite vous tout le meilleur, parce que je ne veux pas à ... gâtent tout le reste.~~

I'm trying to be happy. I'm trying. But I'm not.

2009-08-24T21:19:00.002+08:00

"We won't get it back when we die..."
- Bowling For Soup/When We Die.

Today was boring. I tried sleeping. I think it doesn't work. Because it hasn't been working for the past half of this year. And last year. And will probably continue until it kills me completely inside, numbing me for the rest of my motherfucking life that no one probably appreciates, because I don't, either.

I irritated that Wee Cow. It was fun. But it gets repetitive, and fails to distract me from what originally dominates my rather-empty-yet-sorta-abstract mind.

D&T was rather shit. Because it was. There's no special reason to why I labeled it shit.

In short, the whole day was crap. The whole day was stupid.
In conclusion, I should die. Good bye.

Ai-je voulu dire n'importe quoi? Non, je n'ai pas fait et je n'irai jamais faire.
Vous ne vous souciez probablement plus et je ne devrais pas probablement, aussi. Mais je ne peux pas.

"Because dearie, just know that, you're not meant to live."

2009-08-21T17:37:00.001+08:00

I'm happy. Lol.

~~I don't like what's happening,~~
I don't like what's happening,
I hate what's happening,
I don't know what to do,
I feel like screaming,
I wanna kill somebody.
I should kill myself.
I need to scream at absolutely nothing.
I need to isolate myself.
I need to give up.
I need to shut the fuck up.
I need to stop caring.
I need to become the monster I've always been.
I need to become cold.
I need to be cold.
I need to die.
Somebody destroy me. Please.
God, save me. Kill me. Please.

2009-08-20T20:19:00.003+08:00

Meow, Moo, Feli, Panda are at my house. to play rockband. I have nothing to sit on. Henceforth I am on my amplifier. -.-. That is actually how pathetic I am. Kk baibai.

): ): ): ): ):

D:

Me fait mal plus qu'il vous fait.
I'm not happy. I'm never happy.
And now it all sucks because I'm hurting in every way but I don't know how to let anything out. Fuck the world and fuck everything else.

2009-08-19T23:49:00.003+08:00

1. I look forward to tomorrow
--No school for me.
--NOT hospital
2. Me love Herbrightskies very very very much.
3. I can't download a few of my favourite songs. Fuck the world.
4. I'm currently a lil bit more screwed than before. I don't like today.
5. I didn't like yesterday either.
6. ~~But I may like tomorrow.~~ I don't.

The end.

2009-08-18T23:23:00.002+08:00

I feel like I'm losing almost everything I ever owned, ever wanted, and ever...

Nevermind. Because ultimately, there's almost no one that cares. Nothing ever happens as planned. Nothing ever happens like in television programmes.

So what if I care. Does it matter anymore?
So what if I kept it all inside. Will it matter?
So what if I died tomorrow, the next day, the day after. Really, does it matter?

I get used. Not once. But over and over and over again. This is miserable. It doesn't help that I've forgotten how to express how I feel over daily events, whether they hurt me or not. It doesn't help that people tell me they're there for me, and they're almost never.

I wish I kept everything inside and fill up to the brim. Overflow. Explode. Because I can't make anyone happy. Because I'm not happy.

August sucks. It's probably good to see me in misery. ...

To all you fakies:
I'd rather you just disappear from my stupid life if all you're ever gonna say is, "I'll be there if you need to talk :D" but you're never. Haha. Thanks for pretending like you cared. Its just something I had to get off my chest. Because other than my parents', this has been fucking me up in many ways. Screw you.

Dear August,
There are times when I won't be there.
But what seem so long and faded away,
I don't think you'd even care. Good bye.

2009-08-17T21:30:00.002+08:00

"Woah oh oh, woah oh oh, I know..."

I don't feel like me. Simply because its August and yeh, I hate it as hell. I hate August. It doesn't take an idiot to tell me how August has affected them in bad ways. Fuck this world.

2009-08-16T18:59:00.000+08:00

I often ask myself. Why bother.

2009-08-15T22:42:00.002+08:00

August still sucks. -.-.

I need to know, why am I still unhappy and why am I still alive. I need to die. Now.

2009-08-11T23:33:00.004+08:00

August is kinda stupid. It has been for all these years.
September is coming. I hope it gets better - or not.

I'm still trying to be happy. Because it's like talking to mirrors everyday, because almost nobody cares and you know almost no one is there, not totally.

I'll find ways to go away, I'll find ways to hide.

I am still not happy.

Comme le fait de parler aux miroirs toujours j'essaie,
Mais je suis toujours là, j'essaie toujours de vous couvrir,
Mais je ne peux pas. Je ne peux pas m'opposer à vous. Aimez-vous toujours? i don't know.

2009-08-07T23:46:00.001+08:00

Honnêtement, there'll être jamais une chance pour moi pour dire n'importe quoi. There'll être jamais une chance pour moi à honnêtement la déclamation extravagante de tout je ne me sens. Je ne peux pas.

Je ne suis sur rien ce qui est arrivé dans le mois passé, dans l'année passée, dans le passé .. toute ma vie. Je ne comprends pas pourquoi je ne peux pas continuer. Pourquoi je ne peux pas oublier. Vous could've été de ma tête très depuis longtemps. Vous could've m'a quitté et a juste arrêté de me parler. Vous could've m'a juste quitté et me quitter être. Permettez-moi de mourir dans ma vie déjà faite. Quittez-moi comme j'étais.

Vous êtes revenus. J'ai cru que c'était fini et ce n'était pas.

Je vous permettrai juste de savoir, que j'ai essayé de laisser vont. J'ai essayé de vous détester. J'ai essayé de penser à vous comme rien d'autre qu'amis. Et je vous permettrai de savoir que, tout cela raté.

Que je sois un échec,
Que je ne sois personne,
Que ce soit la perte toute le monde et de quiconque pour m'avoir connu.
Que ce soit ma faute pour tout le reste l'incident.

Je me déteste.
Je suis désolé.

2009-08-05T23:38:00.000+08:00

J'essaie d'oublier, mais vous êtes trop une pensée constante.

I have a 3 day MC. That sucks, kinda. And.. I feel like shit now. Fml.

PS/ personal thoughts will be in another language. Kk bai.

2009-08-04T20:03:00.002+08:00

Enmarye took a quiz. It involved me. So I tried it on others. LOL

My reactions:
1) Type "I'm superman"
I'm super-erman.

2) Type "Oh my gosh I heard about your fish"
I heard about your duck D:

3) Type "You and me are best buds right?"
Yes & I am a flying lollipop.

4)Type "Ok so can i tell you something?"
Yeh. For example your butt is in an elevator now.

5) Type "I'm on drugs.''
Okay. Me too.

6) Type "Did you just lie to me!?"
Nope.

7) Type "How could you?!? "
I dunno!
8) Type "I love you".
I LOVE YOU TOOO

10) Type "I lost an eyeball!"
*Smash nehneh

Victim #1: Meien.
1. You're superman?
2. HUH? WTH?!
3. Of course, ^^
4. What?
5. Don't lame, like you will.
6. LIE WHAT?!
7. WHAT THING MAN?!
8. You love me? Huh? WHAT SIA!
9. HUH? YOU BLIND?!

Victim#2: Valerie
1. I'm superkid
2. Ohmygod, what fish?
3. RIGHT!
4. Sure! What thing? :P
5. Eh you serious?
6. I DID NOT, WHY YOU SAY I LIE TO YOUUUUUU.
7. Kekekekekes, :O, Since when? Is this a joke?
8. I give you mine?

HAHAHA, ALL ACCORDING TO THE QUESTIONS ABOVE. LOLOLOL.

2009-08-04T00:01:00.002+08:00

I'll try. Not to think. And to be happy. I'll try.

Je ne suis pas le meilleur, je ne suis pas le pire. Mais je sens quelque chose que je ne peux pas tout à fait décrire. La résistance est toujours là, je vous veux toujours. Je pourrais être déprimé, mais je ne confirmerai pas ce fait encore. J'essaie toujours d'être heureux. J'essaie toujours de pas me soucier. J'essaie toujours de ressembler à tous les autres.

J'essaie tout et n'importe quoi pour m'égayer. Je n'aime pas cette culpabilité dans mon coeur. Je n'aime pas être ignoré. Je n'ai pas d'amis parfaits qui me soutiennent. Je n'ai pas de vraiment bons amis à que je dis tout. Je n'ai pas de journal marchant pour moi pour déclamer à.

Je n'ai pas beaucoup de choses. Baisez ce monde. Vissez ce monde. Parce que j'ai besoin et veux mettre fin à ma vie maintenant. Baisez des comprimés heureux. Parce qu'ils ne font pas de travail baisant.

J'espère que vous comprenez. Mais vous ne faites pas.
J'espère que vous vous souciez. Mais quelles sont les chances? :,)

2009-08-02T23:24:00.002+08:00

"Do you think
~~You'd better love me back~~
You said you want someone
Who actually cares
But I'll say what I want
Because nobody's around when I talk
It feels better to fall asleep alone
Because that's the only way I know"

"You're busy drawing hearts
You run your fingers down the glass
An open mirror
Now you're sleeping
In the front seat
Like a crushed leaf
On the concrete night"
-PTV

Probably how I feel now.